Just Your Average Supermarket Conversation

“Ah feed them tae ma bearded dragon!”

My hand stopped inches above the open box of Tesco courgettes as my brain tried desperately to digest the  meaning of this sudden and unexpected supermarket conversation-opener.  It appeared to come from somewhere to my right…and down.  I turned and found jammed against me a short, round, bespectacled woman looking upwards, smiling in greeting.

I looked down at the 8″ courgette above which my hand was now poised.  😯  Words failed me.

Whit? Bearded dragon?  Euphemism?  If so for what?  I looked again at my tormentor. I looked back down at the courgette….and prayed God that it wasn’t a euphemism.

I shuddered and looked back down towards the woman once more.

She had the look of a determined conversationalist…by that I mean a one sided conversationalist.  You can see it in their eyes; that desire to excrete a whole steaming pile of verbal diarrhea.   My head was about to take a verbal battering.  As the barrage broke around my ears a small part within the core of my brain that was still able to function slowly began to process the information…

Strange wee woman (looks again)…very strange wee woman

Fruit and veg section of Tesco.

Beaded Dragon?  Hmmm…big Lizard?  Possibly eats fruit and veg? 

Strange Very strange wee woman has a big lizard that likes courgettes!  Ta-da!

It transpires that not only does she have one bearded dragon…she has two!   And yes…she does feed them courgettes.  By this time I had picked up a butternut squash by its bulbous end, holding it upright in my hand.  I stared at the vegetable thinking that (in best Benny Hill fashion) it was an “unfortunate” shape in the circumstances.  Then I thought  “Please God…no!”

“Can ah feed them tae ma bearded dragon?”